Me and Homer Jones and Big John Tally were out behind the Sure Shot Tavern, out in the alley.

“Boys” I said, “It’s time we pooled our talents and gave this Valley something in return. After all, we have lived here all our natural born days, and I think it’s time we make our mark.”

Well, ol’ Homer Jones piped up and said, “Just what crazy idea have you got running around in that brain of yours, anyway, Bob?”

Big John didn’t say anything, just took another pull on that pipe of his — which he’d taken to carrying around because he’d heard that cigarettes could be harmful to your health.

“The other night,” I went on, “I was watching the tube, between football games, and it came upon me that this Valley needs a CSI unit. And that we three could just about fill that bill to the umpth!”

I explained it to them how, with just a few investigative-type tools, we could be a real addition to the law enforcement agencies hereabouts.

We each bought a few things. I went down to Toys R’ Us and bought one of those microscope kits, one of those you could count the hairs on a fly’s leg and such like. Homer got a light that showed blood and other types of stains. Big John bought some computer software so we could check up on anyone who had a record and track down license plate information. We were ready to go.

“OK, what’s our next step?” asked Homer.

“My thinking was we could go out to a couple of crime spots, you know places where crimes have occurred, and using our skills, snoop around and see what we can turn up.”

“And just how do we find these ‘crime spots’ anyway?” Homer asked.

“We just read the next issue of the Valley Record and see where crimes happened and take it from there.”

All through this, Big John just sat over in a corner smoking his pipe. He had bought himself one of those Sherlock Holmes hats. He thought he was acting the part, I guess.

So we got a copy of the paper and it just leaped out at us that the lead story was a cougar sighted over by Snoqualmie Elementary. So we hopped into the Bob-Mobile and high-tailed it over there.

“Where do we start?” asked Homer.

“It was seen disappearing into the woods near Centennial Field park. So we hike over there and look for wildlife trails, stomped down grass, you know, cougar signs.”

We went over, split up and started looking. Big John had one of those big magnifying glass things and he looked real Sherlock-like, all bent over with that hat and that glass. I had a bunch of little flags stuck on little sticks that I could identify evidence on.

We tromped around for a couple of hours, and found some mashed down grass — but that could have been from us — found some kind of print in a patch of mud that upon further scrutiny turned out to be the heel of Big John’s boot. Homer stuck a flag in what looked like dog business and wanted me to put it in an evidence jar.

“No way,” I said. “That looks nasty.”

We never did find any real evidence of a cougar over there. We got in the Bob-Mobile and headed back to the Sure Shot to plan our next investigative adventure.

“That was kinda fun,” Big John allowed. “And I sure like this hat, it goes with the pipe.”

We agreed that we needed some more real crime stories to check on and apply our CSI skills to. I also asked Homer Jones to pick up a few pairs of those almost-transparent gloves so we wouldn’t have to pick up evidence with our bare hands. We agreed to keep up on the paper and look for true crime information.

So you crooks just remember, we’re always out there.

• Bob Edwards lives in North Bend and is a member of the Sno Valley Writes! group. E-mail him at bobledwards@comcast.net.